Date-stamped : 27 Aug96 - 06:35 If the cap fits it`s bound to be a dunce`s By Martin Johnson Mushtaq spins Pakistan to series triumph THE only way England could have provided richer entertainment for ethnic spectators in south-east London yesterday would have been to enter a float in the Notting Hill Carnival. They could have hitched it up to Chris Lewis`s car - one with a puncture, the other with all four wheels missing. After four largely painful days viewing, John Major`s absence yesterday suggested that Norma might have provided him with one of his easier Prime Minister`s Question Times over the breakfast table. "Are you going to the Oval again today, John?" "Er, no thanks, dear. I detect an uncomfortable swing to the opposition." In fact, it wasn`t reverse swing that did for England yesterday, or any kind of swing. The umpires, resembling a couple of labora- tory assistants in their white coats and spectacles, regularly peered at the ball for evidence of fast bowlers` fingernails, but it was the fizzing leg-spin of Mushtaq Ahmed that did for Eng- land. The difference between the sides is simple. Pakistan`s bowling is class, England`s is bottom of the class. By all means award them caps, as long as they`re of the dunce`s variety. Not so long ago, Rod Marsh, director of Australia`s Cricket Academy, described English bowlers as "pie throwers", and on all the available evidence, Melton Mowbray`s second X1 is just about their standard. Michael Atherton, the captain, once again bemoaned the fact that England play their home Tests on pitches that suit the opposi- tion, so maybe they should consider going somewhere else to play. After all, Wimbledon are reportedly moving their goalposts to Dublin. From an England point of view, there was nothing at all to cheer about -unless you include Lewis arriving at the ground at about the same time as the milkman, and the only time he was late yes- terday was when his bat made a posthumous jab at a ball from Waqar that thudded into his pads in front of middle stump. One place worth considering might be Cherrapunji, in the foothills of the Himalayas, where they get 800 inches of rainfall between June and October. Put Dickie Bird in charge as an addi- tional safeguard (further inspection on Dec 21) and England might just scrape a draw or two. England have now lost five consecutive Test series to Pakistan since 1983-84, a record which includes one victory in 19 matches. Of those 19, only six have been officiated by Pakistani umpires, so we can`t even rake up that old excuse. David Lloyd, the Eng- land coach, has always been one of life`s incurable optim- ists, but if there is a cure, he`s probably found the right job. The reduced #10 admission fee did not entice many England sup- porters yesterday, and the only two sections of the ground that were remotely well populated clearly belonged to the Barmy Army`s Karachi branch. They began the day in a state of moderate excitement, and ended it in something close to delirium. England`s own army (proprietor Fred Karno) tend to have that effect on the opposition`s specta- tors. From an England point of view, there was nothing at all to cheer about -unless you include Lewis arriving at the ground at about the same time as the milkman, and the only time he was late yes- terday was when his bat made a posthumous jab at a ball from Waqar that thudded into his pads in front of middle stump. This was Waqar`s only wicket, and Mushtaq`s major ally yesterday was Wasim Akram. Pakistan`s captain almost fell foul of umpire Mervyn Kitchen when he registered his disbelief at a rejected lbw appeal, although the TV slow motion replay at least showed us why. It was a sensational delivery, late reverse swing at about 85 mph, and would probably have removed middle stump. Dominic Cork played another brainless innings, at a time when England still held out hopes of saving the match, and Cork`s idea of discipline is not so much novel as naval. Give it half a dozen lashes. He is, apparently, in need of a rest. Aren`t we all. Source :: Electronic Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk) Contributed by The Management (help@cricinfo.com)